Tag Archives: Kids

Students Are Watching You

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10 Things Kids Learn From Their Parents’ Marriage

By: Doug Fields

Article: Homeword

Not long ago, I was asked (in one of my seminars) if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 26 years.

Here are 10 things that I know my kids have observed from us over the years:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying, “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.

iPorn

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By Sam Black

A lot of kids blow out birthday candles wishing for an iPod touch, but should a parent deliver the goods? Should your family use an iPhone or an iPad? Answer: Not without setting restrictions.

Recently, a dad who is a Covenant Eyes member discovered just how painful an iPod can be. His 10-year-old son invited a 9-year-old friend to spend the night, and during the evening the dad discovered the boys using the 9-year-old’s iPod touch to play a video game.

“They are so young, surely nothing bad can happen,” the dad said. “But when I walked by the living room door later, I saw them look up at me. It was a look that only a parent could understand. Something was up.”

The dad asked the boys what they were playing. They showed the dad a game, so he took the iPod and tapped on the Safari Internet browser app to see if they had been surfing the Internet.

His heart fell.

Several Internet pages of hardcore images and videos had been accessed. Then, the dad tapped the Facebook app icon, which delivered more pornographic videos. Then the dad tapped on the icon used to download apps and discovered more pornography.

“Handing an iPhone to a child out of the box and saying, ‘Have fun,’ is a bad idea,” said Covenant Eyes software developer Dave Caswell. “However, if you are going to buy an iPhone, iPod touch, or iPad for your family, take steps to secure how they can be used.”

1. Monitor Internet Use

Covenant Eyes provides an app that can be used in place of the Safari browser. The Covenant Eyes browser does not filter the Internet, but it does monitor and report how the Internet is used. Every website visited will be rated for mature content, with ratings like T for Teen and M for Mature, and a report will be sent to the parent(s) or mentor(s) selected as an Accountability Partner.

Be sure to disable the Safari browser, so that all Internet browsing is done through the Covenant Eyes browser.

This approach often works well for adults and even older teens, but it is not the best choice for kids.  Adults and older teens recognize that their Internet use is being monitored and will filter their own activity; however, kids often make mistakes in surfing the Internet and a filter is a must.

Since no filter is available for iPod, iPhone, and iPad, parents should disable all Internet browsers and search apps for children. Internet browsing with these devices should only be allowed with parental supervision.

2. Restrict Apps

As a parent, use the “Restrictions” menu so that your child can use Apple’s mobile devices safely. Covenant Eyes recommends disabling pre-installed apps like YouTube, FaceTime, and Safari.

Parents should also disable the installation of new apps. A parent should be present when an app is downloaded to their child’s device. This will help prevent apps being installed that provide content inappropriate for the child’s age or track a child’s location.

Adults can also restrict how they use Apple’s mobile devices using the same “Restrictions” menu. Ask an Accountability Partner to help you do this.

3. Everyday Cyber Parenting

Parents face an uphill battle keeping up with how mobile devices work and how to place reasonable limits on their use. Often it’s easier just to say “no,” or “I just trust them.” Neither is the correct answer.

Remember, if they don’t learn how to apply moral standards to technology from you, they will learn it from someone else, even if that someone else is a person or website they discover online or the marketers and pornographers who make a living at pushing their wares.

Take time to learn about devices for your family before you buy them. If parental controls and monitoring are not available, don’t buy the device for your child or teen, or even for yourself if you feel vulnerable. No one ever died from phone shame, and you likely have a computer that can do anything your child wants but which can be monitored and filtered.

When it comes to devices or the apps that can be used on them, don’t give in to begging and coercion if you feel your child or teen will be at risk. You might not be the coolest parent your child knows, but they will be safer for it. At the same time, don’t be a curmudgeon just because you haven’t done your homework. Take time to talk with your child, learn about the app or device, and explain your reasons why it is or isn’t appropriate for their age. You will likely still be asked why, so take the time to restate your concerns, but hold fast if you know your child or teen would be at risk.

Parents have a big influence on their kids–more than their friends, school, or religious institution. So do the homework and put parental influence to work.

To learn more about best practices for iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch visit these links.

Issue 7 | April 2011 | More stories in this issue: Sexual Sabotage | 5 Critical Steps You Must Follow to Keep Up with Your Kids Online

Fathers – Reconnect

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5 Things a Father Can Do Today to Reconnect with His Kids

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Fathers, adolescence is a critical time for your children’s development.  Studies indicate that when fathers are connected to their kids, they fare substantially better as they make the transition from childhood to adulthood.  Though they may not seem to act like it much of the time, dads, your kids need you to be involved in their lives!  It all boils down to you intentionally investing in building relationships with your kids.  Here are five ideas for reconnecting with your kids – which you can begin implementing today!

1) Communicate with your kids. Sure, you don’t always want to talk and neither do your kids.  Yet, you cannot have a solid, growing relationship (with anyone!) without communicating.  Find a time when distractions can be held to a minimum and have a conversation with your teenager.  Don’t just talk about what your interested in.  Talk about anything and everything.  Ask your kids about their interests, opinions and feelings.  Ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered yes or no.  (Note: if you have not had a history of talking with your kids, getting started may seem a bit awkward to both you and your kids.  Don’t let this get in your way.  Share with your kids what you are trying to do (build stronger relationships / reconnect) and start slowly with reasonable expectations.  Just keep at it!)

2) Listen. Listening is the language of love.  Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids.  Many parents find it difficult to actively listen. Yet, when you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy and listen – you are taking a key step in reconnecting with your kids.  When kids know that their fathers will really listen (instead of immediately “correcting”) they will be more willing to talk.  As noted above, good communication results in stronger relationships.

3) Display affection. Even though teenagers are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need the affection of their fathers.  In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts and appropriate touch.

4) Play. Play is necessary for a close-knit family. There is nothing like play to bring about family togetherness and communication. Play builds family memories, reduces family stress and produces support and affirmation.  Dads, understand that play doesn’t have to be complicated.  It can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.

5) Be there for your kids. Fathers, one of the most valuable contributions you can make today in effort to reconnect with your kids is to simply “be there;” involved in their lives.  Your presence is a powerful affirmation and sign of caring towards your kids. Your presence provides kids with a greater sense of security than almost any other quality parents can offer.  Sometimes, this means being willing to make some tough choices; like choosing to be a your daughter’s volleyball match instead of being at another business meeting.  But, the value of being involved in your kids’ lives is more valuable than a bigger paycheck.