Tag Archives: Jim Burns

Fathers – Reconnect

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5 Things a Father Can Do Today to Reconnect with His Kids

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Fathers, adolescence is a critical time for your children’s development.  Studies indicate that when fathers are connected to their kids, they fare substantially better as they make the transition from childhood to adulthood.  Though they may not seem to act like it much of the time, dads, your kids need you to be involved in their lives!  It all boils down to you intentionally investing in building relationships with your kids.  Here are five ideas for reconnecting with your kids – which you can begin implementing today!

1) Communicate with your kids. Sure, you don’t always want to talk and neither do your kids.  Yet, you cannot have a solid, growing relationship (with anyone!) without communicating.  Find a time when distractions can be held to a minimum and have a conversation with your teenager.  Don’t just talk about what your interested in.  Talk about anything and everything.  Ask your kids about their interests, opinions and feelings.  Ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered yes or no.  (Note: if you have not had a history of talking with your kids, getting started may seem a bit awkward to both you and your kids.  Don’t let this get in your way.  Share with your kids what you are trying to do (build stronger relationships / reconnect) and start slowly with reasonable expectations.  Just keep at it!)

2) Listen. Listening is the language of love.  Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids.  Many parents find it difficult to actively listen. Yet, when you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy and listen – you are taking a key step in reconnecting with your kids.  When kids know that their fathers will really listen (instead of immediately “correcting”) they will be more willing to talk.  As noted above, good communication results in stronger relationships.

3) Display affection. Even though teenagers are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need the affection of their fathers.  In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts and appropriate touch.

4) Play. Play is necessary for a close-knit family. There is nothing like play to bring about family togetherness and communication. Play builds family memories, reduces family stress and produces support and affirmation.  Dads, understand that play doesn’t have to be complicated.  It can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.

5) Be there for your kids. Fathers, one of the most valuable contributions you can make today in effort to reconnect with your kids is to simply “be there;” involved in their lives.  Your presence is a powerful affirmation and sign of caring towards your kids. Your presence provides kids with a greater sense of security than almost any other quality parents can offer.  Sometimes, this means being willing to make some tough choices; like choosing to be a your daughter’s volleyball match instead of being at another business meeting.  But, the value of being involved in your kids’ lives is more valuable than a bigger paycheck.

A Word to Single Parents

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A Word to Single Parents

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.

With so much focus today on building strong marriages and a solid foundation for building strong kids, I want to say a few things to single parents. When I speak at single parents’ groups, I am reminded of what incredible people single parents are he extra load they carry. Parenting is tough enough with two people, let alone one.

I’d like to share with you a story from the Bible: Moses and the Israelites were battling their archenemy, the Amalekites. God instructed Moses to hold his arms up high above his head with his staff in his hand. When Moses kept his arms raised, the Israelites would begin to win the battle; but when he grew tired and he dropped is arms, the Amalekites would start to win the battle. Finally, when Moses was exhausted, others stood beside him and helped him hold his arms high. The Israelites ended up winning the battle because of the helpers Moses used to keep his arms held high (see Exodus 17:8-16).

Who comes alongside you to help you with your children when you get tired or lose perspective along the way? Are you discourage and too tired to fight some of the battles that need to be fought?  All parents–especially single parents–have to find the courage to ask for help and find replenishing relationships for themselves and their children. The church is a very good place to seek out some of those replenishing relationships.

Mary, a friend of ours, is a single parent and my pick for Mother of the Year. She is a networker. She finds others whom she can serve and who can serve her family needs. She has chosen to be involved in her church, where many of the moms take care of each other and look after the needs of each other’s children. She can’t afford fancy vacations or even much time off from work, but on a shoestring budget she still manages to create family fun nights and vacation traditions that will make wonderful memories for her children. Her life hasn’t turned out the way she had dreamed it would, but she is constantly on the lookout for ways to focus on the positive as well as for people like her church youth workers who can help her bring up her children to one day be responsible adults.

No one said it would be easy, but with God’s help and by finding the right people to come alongside you, your kids will thrive.

(Excerpted from the book, The 10 Building Blocks for a Happy Family by Jim Burns, Ph.D. Click here to order a copy.)

Teen Cries

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Some cry for Britney...what are your kids crying for?

7 Cries of Today’s Teens

Author: Tim Smith and Jim Burns

Remember when you were a teenager . . . and all you really thought you wanted was a couple of good friends, no hassles at school – and for your parents to just leave you alone?

Of course, if you’re a Baby Boomer, chances are your teenage years were anything but that simple. So now that you’re the parent of a teenager or two, it may have crossed your mind that your kids are now going through the same kind of chaos you experienced, right?

Well, I’ve got news for you. We may have been 13, 16 and 18 years old at one point in our lives, but we were never our kids’ age!

Now, I realize you’ve probably heard me use that expression a lot in my writings and seminars, but there’s a good reason for that – simply put, it’s true! Let’s look at the reasons why with an assist from my good friend, author and family expert Tim Smith.

In addition to being the President of LIFESKILLS FOR AMERICAN FAMILIES, Tim has also done extensive research with the George H. Gallup International Institute. One recent study centered on what it’s like to be a teenager in American in the 21st Century. What he found was really quite remarkable.

First, some background information. Youth in America over the past 60 years have been categorized as either 1) “Baby Boomers” (born between 1946 and 1964); or 2) Generation “X” (or “Gen-X-ers”) born between 1965 and 1981). Well, now, prepare to meet the “Millennials!”

“Millennial” is actually a term Gallup used to describe any child born since 1982 (now it’s much more commonly known as “Generation Y”)… which means some of today’s teens still fit into that group. On the surface, they tend to favor body piercing and tatoos . . . but deep inside, they’re actually rather conservative, shying away from cultural norms like drug usage and premarital sex. They’re more likely to hold to conservative political views as well . . . which may explain the recent resurgence in the popularity of “classic rock” on the radio.

Six years of Gallup youth surveys identified ten recurring needs. These ten needs were then put to a fresh sample of teens to measure the relative strength of these needs in the minds of survey respondents.

Three of the items included in the new survey received mild interest from the respondents – but the seven that filled out the top of the list received overwhelming response.

So, in order of frequency of mention on the survey, here are The Top 7 Cries of Today’s Teens:

1. The need to be trusted. Teens believe that their elders distrust them and regard them as irresponsible and unpredictable. Teens today want to be taken seriously – and we, as their parents, would be wise to create an environment at home that allows them to earn that trust.

2. The need to be understood and loved. Please note that the teens who responded to the survey did not asked to be “fixed and made whole.” I believe they know their lives are in heavy transition at this point. But the data from the research is clear that teens tend to believe that their elders do not understand them. Teens crave to be listened to and loved . . .preferably by parents or guardians. (And if they don’t get this need met by you, Mom and Dad, they’ll go somewhere else!)

3. The need to feel safe and secure. Say what? Wild, reckless, self-confident teenagers who know no fear need to feel safe? That’s right. They need to know their home is secure and their school is safe. Sadly these days such is not always the case.

4. The need to believe that life is meaningful and has a purpose. Studies show that this is a growing need in the populace as a whole . . . more than likely because the “Gen X” philosophy that postmodernism rules is on the wane. Society in general is realizing that there are moral absolutes – and I’m convinced that Millennials can be the transitional generation for bringing spiritual revival to the world!

5. The need to be listened to – to be heard. Though this might sound like #2, there’s a huge difference between feeling “understood” and “listened to.” The latter takes time, and the breathless pace we lead our lives doesn’t make that possible.

6. The need to be appreciated and valued. A poor self-image is a key factor in anti-social behavior . . . just ask the residents of Columbine and Paducah. Roughly one-third of all respondents to the Gallup survey indicated they felt worthless and unappreciated.

7. The need to be supported in their efforts. This means anything from helping with homework to showing up at Little League or soccer games. It’s one thing to get your kids involved in a lot of activities; the real benefit to your children, however, is when Mom and Dad also participate.

By and large, teens remain eternally optimistic, particularly about their personal futures. At the same time, however, they are apprehensive about the future of society as they face a host of problems that simply were not on the scene just a few decades ago.

They need you, Mom and Dad, to stand in the gap with them. They have a heavy load to bear. But, with God’s help, you can make a difference in their lives. After all . . . you’re not just raising them to be good kids – you’re training them to become responsible adults!

(Excerpted from the book, The Seven Cries of Today’s Teens: Hear Their Hearts, Make the Connection by Tim Smith with commentary by George Gallup, Jr. , adapted by Jim Burns, Ph.D.  Tim Smith also serves as President of “Lifeskills for American Families.”